On Being Happy

Things weren't going my way.
Things were breaking down, costing money, and requiring more of me than I had to give.
Keeping above water was a constant struggle.

And then, I just had enough of it.

I was tired of suffering, of feeling low, of being keenly aware of all that was wrong and wondering when good would turn the corner.

I heard a man on the radio, years ago on my way to high school. He said, "be positive and happy until 10AM and the rest of the day will take care of itself". The day was shaping up to be a truly terrible one, but I took his advice. And then, as if it was magic, at 10AM, the world suddenly became a lot easier to live in.

Let me tell you something: forced happy and and a forced positive attitude will quickly resemble the real thing. Now, life as of late has required a lot more work than just being able to give up in the morning--it became a job of forced perspective for days and days. And then, you forget you are the force behind your happiness. It just is. You just are. Happy.

And then, your mind clears, you are able to complete those tasks that once seemed too daunting to tackle, you aren't bothered by those relationships that would send your mind and heart into a tailspin at the hint of a harsh word or unreturned call, confidence in yourself and your abilities slowly but surely returns. Lists can be made and ticked off. Line items are quickly taken care of, and life itself falls into line. It falls into your line. Because you are once again in control of it.

And the happiness is yours, unabashedly acquired, fought for, and graciously granted, nay, taken.

Naturally occurring happiness has once again returned. I'm a person that needs a road. I'll create it if need be, but I need a step and I need to scheme and plan and dream about how I'll make that step work for me. I don't flounder well. After more than 2 years (one could argue 5) of floundering, I'm back in charge.

I worked hard for it, and it took an incredibly long time, but I've received a an offer on a really good job with a really good company.

I'm Moving Forward. And that's all I could ever ask for.

Now its my turn, and I'll keep that momentum going, God help me.

I'm done doggy-paddling.

Saint Valentine's Day

A very good morning to you, lovelies, and a Happy Valentines Day to you as well.

In the past I would have exclaimed via an AIM away message, but let's be honest-who really uses AIM anymore, the importance of knowing that Valentines Day is not merely a corporate holiday, but one honoring (at the very least the idea of) people willing to risk everything to follow their hearts for the true love of a companion and of their God. I'm speaking of Roman times, of course, and more can be found on the patron saint of love, young people and happy marriage at Catholic online. And facebook seems too touchy, or maybe its the people I'm 'friends' with, for exclaiming anything, so this is where I'll do it. And now I've done it. So there you go.

Now, the Hallmark version of the holiday is lovely and sweet and who doesn't love red heart stickers and candy in pretty boxes? In the spirit of both senses of the holiday, I had myself a little dinner party over the weekend. My grandmother has passed to me her collection of Fostoria crystal in their popular Romance pattern. I've been waiting for a real occasion to use the set and what better time to use Romance-inspired etched crystal than for a Valentines dinner? Photos of my setting, later. For now, enjoy your day, and read my post from two years ago if you need help conjuring up some of those warm lovey-dovey feelings.

Royal Wedding Watch Party, The Plan

As we all know, there is a royal wedding coming up (in April, yes, but still, plans must be made, even on this side of the pond) and of course we're having a watch party (right? right.) and of course we're going to do a royal theme and really cliche it up because if we're going to get up at 3am for the pre-game then its got to be a little silly all around and I really think we should play it up and go all out with the whole royal thing.

I know we've talked a bit about it, and I've thought some more on it (I worked at Hallmark for over 7 hours this weekend--it gave me a lot of thinking time) and here is what I've got:

1. I can make the french toast we had on Saturday [note: I made it for the girls' Glee watch party on Saturday morning], because after all it is called "The Queen's French Toast".
2. We must have Royal Dansk cookies with English Tea.
3. We can make Royal Kirs--- it's champagne and blackberry liquor and as much as a mimosa is the golden standard, I think this would make a delightful alternative to the usual morning champagne libation.
   
4. I think we should all go out after Valentine's day and find silk pajamas on sale. We should have somewhat dignified attire, don't you agree?
5. "Eton Mess" is a lovely looking dessert that originated at, what do you know, Eton College which just so happens to be the alma matter of Prince William. I only know of this creation because House Beautiful featured it in their January issue. Another reason that magazine is perfect.

So that is what I have so far. You girls think on it and we'll just add to it until it gets to the point of ridiculous, and then we'll go just a tad bit farther. Because this will be an all day wedding event (pre-game, then the wedding, and you know there will be hours of commentary after) and I think its best to be wholeheartedly committed all the way through.

Let me know what you've got.

"So Come Out of Your Cave"

Let's do a catch-up, recap of sorts. Because the more I think about it, the more tiny bits of things I do have to say or tell, which would be far too much to try to cram into one post. And then I'd get daunted at the very thought of finishing it and what if I left something out and then I wouldn't post at all. And that's what I'm trying to avoid now. So we'll pretend that we're not-so-long-lost friends having lunch. There will be long awkward pauses but then I'll say "Oh yeah!..." and there will be another story, another something new-to-you to share.

So that's the setting. Now here is the recap.

I'm working, a part-time day job (aside from my nights and weekends retail standby, which, might I add, this was my 9th Christmas season), and have been for a teeny bit over a year. It's in the legal field, but even though I've got the card with my name and number on it, it is most definitely not as an attorney. It pays my very basic bills and every now and then I do learn something, and for those factors, I am thankful to be employed. Most of my interesting drama-filled stories as of late come courtesy of this work environment, but alas, the internet is not the time or place, especially not on a blog that bears my name and picture. I've got standards (and hopes and dreams).

Obligatory New Year's Post

It's still strange for me to think of a fresh start in terms of a changing calendar year. My brain is apparently still trained to live and breathe in school terms and I can't help but hesitate in really believing I can start over at the stroke of midnight. The magical change of a single digit doesn't really do it for me. In fact, truly it feels that come January 1, I'm already behind. I'm nearly halfway until my next birthday, and what do you know, I'm getting (and feeling) older and older each day. I suppose I'm more mature and appreciative of every day I wake up alive, because for the first time in recent memory, when asked my age in the weeks approaching my birthday, I answered by telling the truth. I also remember the actual day and thanking God for giving me another year. I just wish I could carry that feeling all the way through each of the other 364 days.
I just can't help but become frustrated with myself and my current lack of direction.
Treading water gets old. All in good time.

I Want to be Back

I'm just throwing this out there.

Hi. I miss you. The collective you.
I miss this. Writing here.

I'm going to work on being back.
I don't know how or in what form, because I don't really have any long drawn out stories or events happening that I could work on relaying.
I want to change the design format, which will take time.
But I want to do it. I want to be back.

Hi :)

I Wasn’t Entirely Sure it I’d Ever Write About It.

I miss Miami.

There.  I said it.

I was watching the premier of some show and it had a Hispanic woman being a ‘typical’ Hispanic mother with all of her fast talking and love all over you and nonsensical cooing and excited noises only they can make.
And it made me miss all of the people who are even little bits and pieces of that character.

This weekend also made me think about my life in Miami.  Nobody was home except me and my cat the entire time.  Even the dog was gone.  And it made me sigh with a tiny bit of self-contentedness because I miss being in my own apartment with the TV and the big bed and my cat all to myself.

And I realized that I miss my dad giving me a countdown when I would half-dread going back down there “only 3 more semesters, Claire. that’s nothing, you’re halfway done! only 3 more semesters” or when in the middle of a semester I’d get lonely and jealous of everyone back home “only 10 more weeks until Christmas break Claire.  and then you’ll be home for the summer in only 5 months after that.  its nothing.”

I even sort of miss hating the weather right about now.  Oh the weather down there is awful from about May until November.  The humidity and twice a day thunderstorms are almost unbearable, but I miss thinking “when will it break? when will it break!” because knowing full well that when it would break I’d be living in paradise.  I’ll miss thinking to myself in February what a lucky girl I am to wear shorts and flip-flops all year long and be able to sit outside to study and read and play on the computer and getting a warm sun-kissed tan by just walking to and from the car.

I miss grocery shopping at Publix and running to CVS in the middle of the night for a snack just because its right around the corner and I can.

I miss Aventura:  the Mall, the Whole Foods, the Fairmont where I worked.  It always felt so much more like you were somewhere there.  I don’t have a good reason why, but it did.  I miss the drive to Aventura.  I really liked that short stretch of 95.

I miss the Panthers.  I started working there about a year ago this month or so and though it was a little awkward at first, I miss thinking “who picked this music?  I can’t dance to this music!” but still acting like a fool to get attention anyway.  I miss getting my face painted and coloring my lips blood red and spraying my hair blue and setting up intermission games and watching the game from the rafters where it was quiet and detached, like a little game or music box where the players move in predetermined patterns.

I miss the food I can’t get or cook here. I miss my apartment that was mine, all mine, and how I didn’t actually feel lonely once I got used to it because there wasn’t anybody who could come visit or hang out anyway.

I miss how everything was bright, always.  I miss driving over the 395 to get to south beach at night.  I miss the same thing during the day, but the two views were, well, night and day. And both were capture worthy. I miss the Parish where on random Saturday nights or Sunday afternoons I would attend Mass and the little old ladies that would sit next to me and tuck in my tags. 

I miss going to chic places and parties and knowing that only a few people (comparatively) will really ever be able to experience (or appreciate) the way it is just like the movies.

I miss the school, but a lot less than I miss those other things. 
I  miss my friends from that school, but a lot more than any of those other things. 

I miss working towards an end.  A short-term end.  Knowing that when I was done it would just be time for another chapter. Another adventure.
I’ve started that chapter and let me tell you, its very boring.  Its not supposed to be, and I don’t want it to be, but right now I’m treading water.  Doggie-paddled through the summer and I see no alternative destination in sight.
Terrified I’ll settle.
Afraid of what might happen if I don’t and what will happen if I do.
I’m pretty sure its a lot like treading water.

But, alas, I do miss you Miami.  I miss many things about you, and others not so much.
So much do I miss the people I left behind.
I also left behind a tiny bit more than a little bitty piece of myself behind as well.
So don’t forget me, because I’ll never be forever gone.

Real Estate

Somehow my memory just isn’t what it used to be.  Not that I’m roving around forgetting where I am or how I got here.  Oh wait. That is exactly what I’m doing.

Let me explain. 
I’ve been in school for the past 20 years.
The past three of those I spent in Miami.
Then the previous four were spent in Warrensburg, Missouri.
Thus, you could deduct that I haven’t been “home” in seven years.  Specifically not home for fall (or spring but its fall now so that's what we’re going with here).
This is especially pertinent when talking about living in Miami because fall doesn’t exist.
We’ve been having some very weird weather here in the suburbs of St. Louis, which isn’t saying much because we’re known for our oddly unseasonable temperatures and ungodly heat and freeze waves.  These past few days it has felt more like fall in the last week of August than it usually does in the first week of October.  And it hit me.  I don’t belong here.  Not that I don’t belong, but that it doesn’t feel right at all.  I suddenly felt like the only thing that would feel ‘right’ would be starting back school in Warrensburg (my undergrad town) and it was as if the past three years didn’t even happen.
The more I think about how odd this feels, the weather, not being in school, not moving back somewhere, the more I feel disconnected from everywhere.
Sometimes I like to visit sothebysrealty.com and peruse the houses I then dream of having when I’m rich and famous.  I’ll never move back permanently to Miami, but it did become a part of who I am and with the people I know and love that live there, it would be nice to just ‘have a place’ to visit (when I’m rich and famous) so in my Sotheby's search Miami is what I plugged in. 
When I started looking I recognized the individual city names and could tell what the views were of. But the more I looked, the more foreign it seemed.  The more disconnected I felt from it.  It was like when you say a word over and over and over again so much that it looses all meaning and you can’t use it for a while because its lost all recognition your brain was willing to give it.
I was sitting here trying to remember street names and zip codes and how the highways connected and how to get to each of the many niches that call Miami home and I found myself trying to remember something I didn’t feel I really knew.  Then I tried remembering the same things about St. Louis and those weren’t coming to me either.
When I was in high school and younger I could read something once, a novel for instance, and could tell you what color sweater a character was wearing and exactly what she had for lunch in the middle of the book, even when only mentioned to develop the scene. 
Now I’m having trouble remembering the feeling of living somewhere.  Its not gone, it just seems so far away---like it happened in another lifetime and I’m just here to tell the stories I can remember the details of but not the feeling of living them.

Not so sure what this means.  Maybe my brain is tired and so severely inundated with information that its too waterlogged at the moment to retrieve much of anything.

I need to clear some real estate up there.

Fantasy Football Draft

The boys roped Meg into being in charge of writing all the picks they yell out at her. It would help if she (or I) knew who these players were. It feels like we're sitting at the judges table though Im especially no help because Ive gone deaf or something and mishear nearly every darn name. Oh well, first time for everything!

"Its Sad But Its True"

"When she was 22, the future looked bright..."




(p.s. I don't think a man will make things perfect. other than that...)

Legal Geekery Inaugural Post

Recently (okay, not so recently, I'm so behind in life lately) the blog legalgeekery.com was looking to amp up their contributor roll. I, of course, put my hat in the ring and was soon greeted by a "Congratulations" email announcing I was one of several fresh new faces to be given posting power.
Excitement was quickly followed by the "holy crap. I don't post about anything to do with law school or law at all on my own blog, so what am I going to post about on a blog devoted entirely to the law?"
Well I managed to finally knock out my bio and after hours of fighting with formatting (such a common problem of mine) I posted my first article. And it goes like this:

In my second year I took a Law and Literature class to give myself some sort of
relief from the typical law school class and to coddle my much neglected
theater minor self a little. It was a good choice: my professor
was dedicated and full of interesting legal references in popular culture
and had the movies to prove it. Our final was a take home and one of
the options was to write a blawg post. It was a fantastic class....Read more at
legalgeekery.com

The new bloggers were put on a sort of probationary period to try us out and see if we meshed with the site. I'm afraid I may not last the summer because I've only posted once, but if they let me stick around I promise to write up the suckage that is studying for and taking the Missouri bar exam once its finally done with at the end of this month.
Seriously, it sucks.
And yet, I'm still wary of calling this one of the worst summers ever. Because at least I've got a summer still. I can't be sure if that's optimism or pessimism right there. Eh. Go read legalgeekery.com and tell them I sent you. It'll make me look good.

(P.S. I won two free nights at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas and I'm going for Halloween. SUPER freaking excited. I love having something to look forward to)

There is no Ivy. There are no lights. There is only what was and how it worked for me.

Where I went to school, or where I didn't.
What kind of town it was and what it isn't.
Sometimes they bother me.
And others I'm content.

There were no hallowed halls.
There is no instant recognition.

Tiny town.
Tiny blips.

Mediocrity.
Somedays its that.
And others its not even close.

When it approaches the line.
Thats when it gets clear. And then again foggy.
Because what do I want it to be?
I wanted the name. The lights. The city.
But the limestone and architecture gave me a place.
The institution and programs opened their doors. They wanted me.
Dare I say needed.
So quickly I forgot. Put off the lights.
"When I graduate"

Only to move on to the opposite again.
In every way.
But still no lights. Still no city. Still no black stages.
Put me in the 4th. What does it mean?
Nothing to you. Only I know the work was the same.
But do you know the name?
And do you know the rank?
Can you forget it if you do?

What will you think
when you read where I've been;
of who has taken me in.

Does it matter?
Somedays.
And others its not even close.

What a Nice Day for a Bouquet

What a nice day for a bouquet, wouldn't you say?

Actually, Sunday was quite dim here in St. Louis. The sun decided to hide after making a lovely showing all week and the storm clouds took its place for the mid-morning/afternoon shift.

I had heard of "Flower Row" downtown but thought for sure it was a wholesaler's playground only.
Low and behold its not. Well, two that I know of at least, aren't. And they're even open on Sundays. So with a bridal shower approaching and a curiosity needing to be satisfied, my mom and I headed downtown.

After, typically, getting turned around in a not so great neighborhood and being told by a construction worker that we were far away from where we wanted to be (we weren't) I managed to find LaSalle Street. Bingo!

The entire street was absent any cars and devoid of all signs of human life. Mom of course didn't want to get out, but psh, that wasn't happening. So inside the warehouse we went. And just like I said, there were indeed people. They told us we could look around the entire place and then paid us no mind. Free roam without being bothered! I liked it.

These lovelies to the right are peonies impressively grouped together in the massive refrigerator. Their roommates are roses of every color, daisies, hydrangeas, tulips and more varieties of blooms than I can remember: all sold in bunches at wholesale to the public.

How I long for the fantasy dreamt days of when I'll be able to order ten bunches a day just because I want to.

The cooler is not all there is to be offered: there are also tables to be rented should you be an aspiring florist and like to have your flower selection and presentation implements complied and waiting for your arrival and creative touch.

Behind these tables are rows and rows of stockpiles of every kind of good you could possibly associate with florals: vases (glassware is 50% if you buy by the case!), ribbon, foam, hot glue, paint, glitter, I could go on and on. Its a one stop shop if you've got a substantial project on your hands and are willing to make the trip.

If you're interested in learning about the flowers,
the staff at Harold's Wholesale is happy to talk and teach you a thing or two.
These stalks of flowers are "Stock" flowers. Warren, who had been diligently ridding the individual stem cooler of the blooms that wouldn't last the required 5 days upon delivery, asked us what the stalk of the flower smelled like. I guessed celery. Stock is actually from the Radish family so I wasn't too far off. Then the bloom: what did it smell like to me? My guess was nutmeg, he went with cloves. Its an odd plant and a staple in many large arrangements and I learned something I never would have known.

Not bad for a Sunday afternoon.



Flower Row: 2600-2700 block of LaSalle Street (off Jefferson).

view more photos from the day at my flickr.

From Versailles to The Biltmore

We started off our Thursday evening with an attempt to..do what?
Let's say it together: things that are quintessentially Miami (this time The Fair).
Yes yes, we all know the mission.
Tatiana and Kerry joke that its like the Mandy Moore movie "A Walk to Remember", only substitute leaving Florida forever for the cancer please.

Well, we sat in traffic for an hour, and after realizing it would take us darn well near another hour to park we decided to Little Havana for dinner at this restaurant which is far more quintessentially Miami than the fair, so it was win-win.



My first mojito.
Luckily I actually remembered I'd never had one and Tatiana ordered me one just as soon as we sat down (in Spanish, of course).



The restaurant was quite the anomaly to me. As you can see from above, the tables are more cafeteria than anything, but the rest of the place is outfitted with chandeliers and beautiful etched glass with waiters in crisp white shirts and funny little black ties.



I've clearly begun a love affair with light fixtures.



"Tasajo" or...well, I don't remember what the name of the dish is. I could pick it out if I needed to. Served with sweet plantains, white rice, black beans, and my empty mojito glass (don't worry, mojito #2 was already on its way).

I loved it. Beef. Salty. Onions and peppers in a tomato broth sauce.



Cuban flan. Sweet and bitter.


The entire menu was especially well priced and I can't imagine anything less than delicious being delivered to your table.

In the parking lot.
Not sure if its advertising photos of Cuba, or for passports to Cuba but before today I was pretty sure the latter was just a waste of money.



I was losing my mind that day and I joked that it must be a full moon.

Well what do you know...


Since we were in the area and we had driven past entrances for Coral Gables on our way to the restaurant, we took a little sightseeing trip in the dark.

The Biltmore Hotel in Coral Gables isn't only famous, but its historical style and grace are awe worthy.



It is a quiet beacon of true elegance amid a city that constantly roars.

The serene, soft being of the Biltmore is especially noticeable because you wonder what it is you're hearing, seeing: then you remember that its the noise that is missing and rich jeweled tones and gently flaming fixtures replace the neon lights so prevalent and often associated with Miami.



At the height of its glory during the Jazz Age, the pool, which was at one time the largest in the world, served as a scene for aquatic galas.
As many as three thousand spectators would watch synchronized swimmers, alligator wrestling, and a boy-wonder dive from an 85ft. platform.



The Lobby.

Rich gold hues compliment the stars dotting the ash blue 'sky' and coax the marble into glowing.



The Entrance.

Wrought iron gates and plush red carpets flanked by brick entryways and manicured trees.

Sadly most of the pictures didn't turn out. I refuse to use a flash and I'm still learning how to take true-to-life pictures without being too dark or blurry.
I wish I could take a true outing during the day, but a girl's gotta take what she can get sometimes.



It really was stunning. I highly recommend a visit, if not just to stroll around for a flashback to a place and time we are only too fortunate to imagine.

Not only has the Biltmore been a favorite of American and European royalty both past and present, but as it turns out, Bing Crosby was also a frequent guest.


No wonder I love it.

Fairmont Style

I've been feeling dull and have been extremely frustrated lately (which if you're following my twitter, then you surely know).
The economy decided to hit me and I wasn't expecting it. So not only do I have loads of school work to do (that I don't understand) and furniture to sell (which I'm still paying on), stressors here and there (who hasn't?) and no real job prospects upon graduation (how about putting a spanking new lawyer on your payroll?) but now I have to deal with funding issues that shouldn't be.
Kind of sucks the creativity right out of a person.

But life I have been living, and taking some pictures along the way.
So here we go :)

I've been working at the Fairmont Turnberry Isle as an independent contractor of sorts for over a year now, working in a childcare aspect for an outside company. Because of this, I am sometimes asked to babysit for guests outside of the normal operating hours. Last year a lovely family group from the UK came in and I babysat their charming kids for a week or so. They visit Miami every year, so they called on me to do the same this past week and a half. We had an initial confrontation with payment (they were going to pay me $5 less per hour than they did last year) and after some ruffled feathers, we got things sorted.
Everything went swimmingly until one of the dads (two families--4 kids all together) came home stinking drunk, singing "Big Spender", trying to cop a feel multiple times, and then finally asking me if I wanted to see his "willy" while starting to take down his pants (his wife stopped him), but only before asking her for a threesome.
Awkward. And disturbing.
Everything was fine after that though--I think he made it a point to be sober from then on.
Oh what we'll endure for a few bucks.
So that's the story and here are the pictures. No! No willy shots! You dirty people you.

The Fairmont Turnberry is a beautiful place and I wandered around various night getting these shots:

Upon arrival:

Leading from the lobby to rooms:

Outside looking in:

Outside hallway:

I got creative with various fountain pictures

here and here

The adult pool at night:

I love lions, I wish I had photographed them better:

Gorgeous chandelier. Altered to see the light play on the ceiling:

Lobby:

Hallway leading from lobby to rooms, take2:

I also got creative with this photo here and here.

Sitting inside the lobby:

Lobby looking in:

I wish I could have a residence decorated just like these common areas.

On your way out:

Goodbye Fairmont Turnberry.

I never stayed at thee, and now that I'm done working there, I doubt I shall ever return.


I took this photo of one of the little guys I was sitting for.

He's adorable with blonde, curly hair and I just had to share this fantastic fang smile.

Things may be rough, but this song has gotton me through a million things, and I have no doubt it'll be in the soundtrack for these months as well.

Ac-Cent-Tchu-Ate the Positive - Bing Crosby

Listen. If you're having a rough time lately too, have another listen.
And make sure you visit the fang smile again sometime soon.